I’m really discouraged and could use some serious prayer right now.

So I have decided to keep this blog. I have left facebook, as of last Sunday, and I’ve also been working on cutting out distractions in my life. I cannot believe that college will be over in just a month and a half. Of course, I will continue next year, but with the upcoming (and dreaded) 22nd birthday, I’ve been looking at serious jobs for this summer, as well as a place to live.

I’m opening a new chapter in my life: I say that fairly often, but my choices are bringing it to light. I’ve looked into four different jobs and heard back from one of them. I am only beginning this process and I have no expectations that it will be easy. I also made an appointment to have my resume reviewed. I found out that it’s only supposed to be one page. Whoops. Mine is much longer.

As it happens, my independence, which I so strongly desire, is so close I can almost taste it. Living with my parents would be a huge step backwards, and as of now, it’s not an option. Not only are they more than 300 miles away, but I love them so much I have to leave. This past year has been exhilarating, having my own apartment. Unfortunately I cannot stay here for the summer.

I will update later on my progress.

Cut my own bangs. Fail

What else is new? Nothing. I’m bored. Saw Alex at the bar last week—he didn’t even come over to say hi, he just kept staring at me. Whatevs.

I was instructed to dig in your lungs,

Tasting your smoke, and eating your gums.

I was instructed to play with your hair

To kiss your sweet skin in the winter air.

I was commanded to dance by the sea,

To laugh and pretend you’re belonging to me.

Yes, I was directed to tap on your bones,

To stalk and follow wherever you roam.

I was issued to shadow your smile,

a ghostly reflection of feet on the tile,

And I was instructed to meet all your needs,

To cut out my heart, and to sing as it bleeds.

I believe that recurring dreams have meanings. I’ve had the same dream for the past 3 nights in a row. The dream is that I’m in the library looking for a book, and I know that it’s really important that I find it, but people keep distracting me, and the book is never where it should be, and I get lost among the shelves.

I looked it up and the meaning of this dream:

To dream that you cannot find a book in the library or that the book you are looking for is already checked out suggests that a certain aspect of your self is lacking enrichment or is under developed.

I don’t really know what part of me is lacking enrichment or is under developed, I’m still thinking about that one.

I’m so exhausted. I partied till 3 AM last night. Everyone was at this party and it was so much fun. I met this really hot guy too, and he’s been texting me now, saying some flattering things. It’s helping me feel better about the whole Alex thing.

Oranges.

So you’re fighting my demons off with your guitar,

And I’m peeling my skin and creating a scar.

So we drown in the music and drive through the rain,

We stare at the stars and we watch the moon wane.

So you’re writing a new song, pen pressed to your lips,

And I lick at the alcohol, drag it in sips,

And we’re fighting off sleep as we’re tossed on the floor

Eating oranges and wondering, what could be more?

So you fight off my demons with passionate screams,

But they’re slipping back in to inhabit my dreams.

And I’m coming back to you, once, twice, and again,

And I’m begging for help, and I’m crying, and then:

You pluck at the strings on that old guitar,

And we’re singing your song, and I’m tracing a scar,

And you tell of your demons, they’re cursing your name;

And that’s when I realize that they’re all the same.

So peel me an orange, and I’ll peel you my skin,

We’ll taste the sweet juice, and we’ll peer deep within

So sing me a new song on that old guitar,

And serenade my restless, my wandering star.

I want a puppy so bad in the worst way.

Who does he think he is, dragging me down? This is unacceptable. Callie is nobody’s rebound. She’s gorgeous and funny and smart and does not need a man in her life to be happy. Oh yeah, except that Valentine’s day is going to be fun.

Anyways, I’m pissed off. I’m not to be trifled with this way, especially by him. Any guy would be lucky to have me and now he’s lost the chance. I’m just gonna keep telling myself that I’m a great person. Whatever.

I want a puppy.